I love making lists of things that I like because it helps me realize how truly awesome my life is, and how blessed I am, even when I really, really don't feel that way, so this is a list of things that were my favorite about/during March. I think I'll start doing this each month because it's fun.
LOST! I'm still catching up, it's taking longer than expected because I keeping getting bogged down in other crap but it is the most awesome show ever, and I will finish up soon.
this video Jonathan Groff, you will always be my favorite person in the world, and I absolutely can not wait to have you on my television, not to mention reunited with Diva Lea in a mere two days!!!!
Vive Pro Nutrigloss shampoo. It comes in a cute, big, pink bottle, and it makes my hair really soft and much more manageable Plus it has this really nice, clean non scenty sort of scent that I adore.
The Departed. I watched it like five times over the month of March. It's one of my favorites anyway, but I have a sort of attachment between the film and St Patrick's Day, for the obvious reasons of it being about Boston and the Irish mob.
She & Him Volume 2. Even though I think Zooey Deschanel sometimes gets a little too caught up in her own hipster cutesy-ness, she's pretty wonderful, and paired with M. Ward you really can't go wrong.
Parade Weekend.
the return of flip flop weather.
Nivea Kiss of Moisture chapstick. still the best, and in this "change of weather" -y month, it was a lifesaver for muh lipperz.
My Gilmore Girls complete series box set. I've been watching season 5 recently. Pure joy.
My trip to New York with my mom, baby sis, and aunt Kelley. I got to see Wicked, again.
getting to sit out in the grass with my friends again, finally! I love winter but I'm positively thrilled to be able to spend some time out in the sun.
I've always had a complicated relationship with food. It's been a largely negative presence for the majority of my life, something that I connect to feelings of painful self consciousness and a need for paralyzing, obsessive scrutinizing of my body. I don't remember a time before I felt "too fat," and even though I feel like I have in my recent life began to get a better grasp on those emotions, and take control of the toxic, abusive relationship I have had with eating for the last eighteen years, I know that it is something I will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life.
I have never really liked eating. Well, I mean obviously I like eating, in the sense that there are foods that I enjoy the taste of and, if I could do so without gaining weight, I would gobble them up greedily all of my days. My problem with eating has never been the food itself, but the affect that food can have over my body. When I look at an item of food, whether it’s an ice cream sundae, or a turkey dinner, or a plate of celery, I see calories, carbs, fat, enemies. It’s like there is a voice inside of my head that I can’t turn off, a voice that screams at me whenever I decided I might want to eat something. And then the two desires do battle within me, the desire to enjoy whatever the item of food in front of me happens to be, and the desire to lose weight, to not be fat, to not feel disgusting for hours because I had to eat that damn cupcake, or whatever. And no matter which way I go, which side wins the battle, I lose. I’ve gain ground in this war though, somehow, and I don’t think it will ever be over really, but maybe I’m getting closer to a stalemate, where the food nazi in my mind, the evil taskmaster that insists I am a fat, lazy, overeating heffer, a disgusting excuse for a person, the voice that would just as soon have me give up food all together, maybe someday that voice will fade into a whisper and let me live. It’s getting quieter already, and I believe, for the first time in awhile, that this is actually something I can do. I can change this, change me.
It got to an all time low in my high school years. I guess my own insecurities and body issues sky rocketed with puberty, and so my “food troubles,” as the least helpful of the three psychiatrists I’ve discussed these problems with, would refer to them as, went from a little problem that I worried about to being the most important and central part of my life. My desperate need to lose weight, my excruciating desire to feel thin enough, my wish to not have to drown in self hate, even for one single second...it all overpowered me. And I became bulimic. And the next three years of my life became largely centered in trying to keep this practice up in order to lose weight, while simultaneously avoiding my new habit becoming known to those around me. I failed on both accounts, and I will deal with repercussions forever, I know. I’m growing and changing, and I’m better, I’m better, I’m better, but it’s not over, and I’m not perfect, or cured, or anything naive and silly like that. I’m just myself, whoever that is, and myself will always have to deal with this. It’s a disgusting, demeaning thing to do. I can’t explain the strange wave of shame intermingled with a sick sort of pride that would wash over me after each purge. In my bathroom, my parent's, the school restroom stalls, in vile public restrooms... I became obsessed. I began to try and mix this new hobby up with fasts and strict exercise regiments. And it worked, I suppose. I lost some weight. Not enough, not that any amount would have been“enough.” Not that I know what enough means. I never could have really lost weight that way, I know that logically. Physically I couldn’t have kept up at that pace much longer, and emotionally, I wasn’t keeping up at all. I was running on empty, dragging my lifeless self along on this dangerous quest for skinniness. I hate that I did that to myself, to my family. I hate that my little sister knows. I hate that I made my mother cry. I hate that sometimes it still seems like a good idea. But it’s a process, this recovery business, and I’m trying and trying, and I don’t know...I’ll be okay. But still, to put it very lightly, it isn’t pleasant, and I don’t recommend it.
This blog was intended to be a list of my favorite foods, and it will be, but as I was writing my list I felt like I would be a fraud, a complete asshat of a liar, if I didn’t at least make a passing attempt at addressing the position that food plays in my life, if I ignored the giant elephant in the room at is my eating disorder, a term I hate to think about and have rarely spoken outloud. So there it is (was.) Ineloquent and potentially nonsensical. Just some thoughts. I’m trying to be more open and honest, both with myself and others, to look at things for what they truly are, no bull shit. To look at my life like that. I think that is the only way I am ever going to really grow as a person, and figure out who I am, where I belong, and what I should be doing. There are so many things in my life that I want to straighten out, messes I need to clear away, obstacles that I have to make myself conquer, and I think that accepting my issues with food for what they are, a part of me, a part that isn’t going to go away, not ever, is an important part of that process. Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever be able to get myself together, like I’m just this collection of scattered odds and ends that even all aligned together can’t quite make up a real, functional purpose. But then I step back, take a breath, and promise to keep trying to figure out, if only because I know I’m too young to be so dramatic about the bleakness of my prospects. I’m a drama queen, I realize. So I move away from the problem...and watch some 30 Rock or make a list of my favorite foods...
Foods that I really love to eat (in theory, actuality complicates my feelings, but that’s been addressed above, so now let's just chat about tasty treats)
Special K fruit and yogurt. The one in the pretty purple box. So yummy.
Sour Patch Kids. need I say more? really? well then, you suck.
peanut butter, and most anything that contains it in some variation. my greatest weakness.
cheeeeeesecaaaaaake. especially New York style.
boneless buffalo wings from 99
cherry tomatoes
pistachios
Kay's cake. A bakery in my hometown that makes the best ever cake, cupcakes, donuts, and basically all pastry type goodness. Their frosting is literally to die for.
My aunt Kelley's trifle.
toast. I'm completely obsessed with toast, which I realize is fairly odd since bread baked over a little in a toaster is hardly a delicacy, but it's just my favorite food. I think any sandwich is better on toasted bread, and anyway, I'm a carboholic, so just a plain old slice of toasted bread is like nutrients for my soul. Especially if it's wheat and has cheap margarine on it. I'm weird, the faker the margarine tastes the more I love it.
grilled cheese. people who make me grilled cheese instantly become very dear to me, forever.
twizzlers. favorite. of all.
Greek Salad
tomato soup
Kashi Go Lean Crunch
only the marshmallows from Lucky Charms
dry Fruit Loops (I really like cereal)
homemade mashed potatoes
White pizza (preferably from bertuccis)
breadsticks, garlic bread, and actually any variety of bread.
mall pretzels
watermelon
fruit salad
the Navajo sandwich from Cheesecake Factory
McDonald's fries
chicken salad
Cool Ranch Doritos
hope I didn't bum anyone out too much with the beginning of this post/make anyone too hungry with my list.
I had enough coffee today to make me truly sick. I'm sitting in bed right now and my heart is quite literally pounding out of my chest. I don't really have anything worthwhile that I need to say, but just in case my heart explodes and I die tonight, I figured I better get down some last words, for the purposes of posterity, of course.
My obsession with Ben Gibbard is at an all time high right now. How the hell did he get to be so incredibly gifted? First of all he writes some of the most beautiful and clever song lyrics that I have ever heard, and he also has the most charmingly melancholic sort of voice, sad without veering too far into whiny territory. He is the frontman of two of my favorite music groups, Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service. And he's married to Zooey Deschanel... honestly, can you get anymore hipster-cool?
I need to drink less coffeee...
I had originally intended to do BEDA this month, but now I just can't get myself motivated. Sorry. (who am I apologizing too? Ugh.) So since I can't manage BEDA this month I've decided that I will follow Maureen Johnson's lead and do Blog Every Day in AUGUST! Yayayaayayayayy summer time bloggin'!
Speaking of summer, get hereee. I'm so thrilled at the prospect of summer right now. I don't even have any big demands for my perfect summer 2010. I just want to spend everyday reading outside on the deck, swimming with my sister, and going for long walks with my friends. The fact that I am going to need to work pretty constantly all summer is irrelevant at this point in time.
Actually that's a lie. I also wanna go to lots of concerts and go on beach trips and visit with my school friends A LOT. And write a lot. And watch good movies. And get a tan. And grow out my hair. And lose 20 lbs...
I'm really anxious to go home for Easter. I've been in a really angsty, overwhelmed, panic-y mode lately, and it's always somehow easier to deal with large amounts of stress within the confines of my own, familiar house. And with my mommy and kitten around to console me.
Also I prefer to be in Holyoke because I am rarely more than five minutes away from a 7/11.
I want to take acting lessons/classes. Not for any particular reason, I'd just like to. I used to take acting lessons when I was a younger and I loved it, and I think it could be cool to have that outlet in my life again.
I am not doing well in school. The "reasons why framingham is really not the place for you" list is growing. The discussions of not coming back next semester between my mummy and I are becoming more frequent. She's okay with me going to HCC next year and working and figuring my stuff out, if it's what I really want. But I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Framingham just doesn't have what I'm looking for academically. I've felt really stifled and unhappy here a lot of the time, despite the fact that I have made some really amazing friends that I love so much and would miss tons if I didn't return to school here. It's still up in the air, but I think I know what I want to do.
Baseball season is almost here. Thank god.
I really want to meet a nice boy that will hang out at Barnes and Noble with me, sit through my Scorcese movie marathons, humor me when I break into show tunes at inopportune moments, and be respectful of my diet coke addiction. And you know, find me adorable and charming and date me and stuff.
I miss my bedroom. It's lovely and spacious and I'm excited to have all of my stuff back in one place this summer and not be living out of a bag in my own house like I essentially am when I go home for weekends.
I really am not feeling well at all, and I'm tired. Adios.
WHY, HELLO THERE! ummmmm I haven't written a blog in a long long time, March has kind of been a big fail for me as far as blogging (actually as far as doing anything productive,) but I do intend to do a lot better in April!! Right now I'm sitting in my bed surrounded by all the junk that I'm taking home for the weekend sipping on a bottle of Diet Coke, listening to some Gagz, and waiting for daddio to come pick me. I'm just going to spew out a quick list in however long I have before he calls saying he is outside my dorm. Ready, set, GO!
Last weekend was St Patrick's Day weekend in my hometown. If you are not from Holyoke you really can't understand what it's like, so I won't bother going into much detail here, but it was lotsssss of fun. I, along the majority of the city plus all the outsiders that flock to our celebration, was pretty much shnackered for a good 48 hours straight. Sunday was a mess, but a pretty fantastic one.
This week of school has been really kind of pointless. The whole week I just felt like I was waiting around killing time before I could go home again today.
The reason I am going home today is because this weekend my high school is performing this years musical, FAME. I'm so excited to see all of my little babies put on what I know will be an unbelievable show. I've never seen a high school production as amazing as what we do in Holyoke. And I know that no one really reads this, but just in case anyone happens to, I will send a special shout out to my darling darling friend Bianca Flores who is starring as Carmen in the show. She's incredibly talented and a sweet, funny, beautiful girl who is going to be a real star! I love you babydoll, I can't wait to see the show & to give you the biggest hug and kiss ever afterwards! Also my baby bro, Jack, is part of the crew for the show and they have been working extremely hard, and putting in long hours for months, so I'm really thrilled for them that there beautiful sets are going to finally be seen this weekend. They opened last night and all I have heard is absolute RAVE reviews, and I could not be prouder. Break a leg again tonight, lovelies!
I NEED GAGA TICKETSSSSSSSSSSSS. she will be in Boston on july 1st & 2nd and if I can't go I may literally die.
My dad just called and said he's five minutes away so I'm going to go.
I hope everyone (anyone) has a great weekend. hugs and kisses all around. (unless you have herpes. then just hugs. sorry)
I have nothing of real interest to report, but I'm back home in Holyoke for spring break so I figured I might as well say a quick hello.
I'm so happy to have a week off from school right now. This vacation has come at the absolute moment when I needed it the very most. I am burrrrrnt out. I am so so looking forward to a week of relaxation, marathon barnes and noble trips, Glee nights with my best friends, and a little bit of craziness here and there.
That being said, I'm already a little bit annoyed with my family. Ugh. Must work on my temper!
I have been listening to the HAIR Broadway revival cast recording incessantly lately and bemoaning the fact that I never made it to see this cast perform on Broadway. I have to have to have to see Gavin Creel and Will Swenson as Claude and Berger. have to! Lucky for me, I have connections across the pond, which is where the entire original cast of this revilal is headed know, to produce the show for the West End, and so that's just another really great reason to go visit Megan in London as soon as humanly possible!
And speaking of Meg (my aunt,) she and my adorable tiny baby cousin Oliver will be home for a visit on Monday. can't waitttttttt.
Next weekend is St. Patrick's Day parade weekend in Holyoke. My city has a gigantic St paddy's day parade every year, second only to NYC, and it is absolutely insanity. The entire city explodes into one giant, green, drunken party for the whole weekend. It's 72 hours of complete debauchery, and I would never miss it for the world. I have two friends from school coming down on Friday to join in on the festivities. I will report on Monday as to how they manage.
I am wearing really cozy socks right now.
I'm currently (well not really currently as in at this moment, but recently I have been) rereading White Teeth by Zadie Smith. It's not even my favorite of her three novels (in fact I prefer her collections of essays to all of the books) yet it's completely amazing. I recommend wholeheartedly that everyone in the world read absolutely every word this woman writes. She is incredible.
Hands up if you're excited for Glee to come back?!?!?!?!!!! Doesn't matter whether anyone else is really, I think I'm excited enough for everyone.
That'll be all because I'm going to go watch Toy Story and Toy Story 2 with my sister and my cat. I'm cool.
I'm half drunk and dead tired right now so I have very little to say, but I've really been neglecting this blog as of late (and actually the internet in general) so I just thought I would drop in and say a quick hello.
Sara and I have spent most of the past week being really, really, really...er...fun? Yeah, fun is the word I'll go with. It's been real.
I've recently become readdicted to dunkies iced coffees. yummerz.
The weather has been a complete godsend for the past few days. So so so so beautiful. please don't change.
I have a crush. Not my normal goofy one, but a potentially real one that I actually intend to pursue.
My friends and I attended a sex and relationships themed comedy show tonight. The guy told us that there is no such thing as a slut. So there. Hahaha...kidding. We were by far the best (most obnoxious) members of the audience, and he loved it.
I need to blog more. I really love doing it (that's what she said) but I've been distracted lately.
I need to work out more.
I need to study more.
I'm dropping math...
I'm lazy...
I am literally about to pass out on Kelly's computer. Agghhhh
I want to use formspring because I'm really self indulgent and love answering survey questions, but I'm afraid that no one would ask me anything hahaa.
You know you grew up in Holyoke (AKA the city that is home to the largest percentage of Puerto Ricans outside of the island itself) when you're taking a multiple choice quiz, see PR as an answer, and automatically select it, without even reading the question. Ugh. Miss you, Yoke. (I got the answer wrong. Boooo. Boricua is never wrong hahaha. Oh god. what is my problem lol)
I'm obsessed with Jay z. irrelevant, yes, but always true.
I'm about to go sleep on the floor of Kelly and Sara's room for no reason other than we love slumber parties. G'night.
I am very strongly anti-gun...but omg, marshmallow guns are possibly the greatest invention of all time. Everyone, especially those who live in college dorms surrounded by tons of easy targets, should have one.
My friends and I had a lot of fun last night. We spent some time in Sara's room getting a little ( a lot) , err, "special" and then released or ridiculousness on the innoocent residents of Towers. This involved chasing a certain RA, with whom we have a particular interest in terrorizing at any chance we get, all around the building with marshmallow guns and silly string. We won.
I also sprayed silly string all over the doors of some strangers...and then went back and left apology notes. It was a lot of good fun.
Sara and I were thrilled to find out that the boys basketball team was chosen to play in another tournament, and so their season is actually not over, as we have thought for the past few days. The end of their season was unreasonably upsetting for us because we have taken up a largely unwarranted fascination with the entire team, and are quickly becoming their biggest fans. We have basically been in mourning since they lost on Saturday. They have a game tomorrow and we're going. We live to stalk another day...
It's so beautiful out. Like, it's Spring out today! I'm sure the weather will return to the realm of cold and disgusting as swiftly as it got so lovely, but for now I am just basking in the fact that I can go for runs outside comfortably. IN SHORTS! win.
I have been listening to Tegan and Sara incessantly lately. Them and the Spring Awakening ocr are literally all I have played for a week. And maybe some Glee...
This list was super random and stupid, I need to up my game.
It's March. Parade weekend is about t minus 3 weeks away. THANK GOD. I neeeeed drunken, tacky, Irish fun in Holyoke, like, now.
I have a half written blog post about Spring Awakening that I will finish soon. I've been unusually busy doing a lot of nothing lately, but the short version of that post is that the show was AMAZING (as always, but I thought it was extra great) and Andy Mientus is as precious and impressive as ever. And I cried a lot. Details to come.
I'm going outside now to enjoy the gorgus weather and I would recommend you do the same.
